Journey In Grief

3-6-5-0

Three-six-five-zero

Three thousand, six hundred and fifty

Thirty-six fifty

The number, when applied in context, has varied weight in its meaning.  Now if we are talking about 3,650 pennies, from a monetary standpoint, it is not a lot but, if you must carry said pennies around all day that is lot.  Paying 36.50% tax for a luxury item is ridiculous but paying $36.50 for a five-course meal is great deal.  Did you know the Elk Mountains in Colorado are 3,650 meters tall? Did you know the average depth of the Atlantic Ocean is, yup you guessed it, 3,650 meters? So, ponder on that a moment, you could stand on a mountain and imagine being that depth in the ocean. 3,650 meters is awe inspiring. 

Today, for me, 3,650 represents days. It is the number of days I have somehow managed to continue breathing since the loss of my Courtney Michelle.  If I could go back in time and tell my newly bereaved self that in ten years, I would still be on this earth not only surviving but being on the cusp of living I am sure I would be throat punched and torn to pieces.  I could never have imaged I would still be here. In the early days the pain was so raw and every day my heart would break all over again. Don’t get me wrong, the pain is still real, it is still raw, and every day my heart continues to break, I am better at ignoring the pain or disguising it, even from myself.

I think on how mad I would be when someone told me I was strong for being on the journey in grief.  Strong? What else am I supposed to do? I’ve managed to get this far by putting one step in front of the other because I don’t know what else to do. Many mornings I have woken up not with a renewed sense of spirit but rather, not a-freaking-gain, I have to do this another day???? But I guess if living in this horror for 3,650 days makes me strong then sign me up for the strongman competition. I am about to win me some gold!

3,651 days ago, I had goals, visions, and ideas of what my life would look like now. Trust me, it looked nothing like this.  And by this, I mean the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The good – my relationship and my intimacy with He on most high has grown exponentially and continues to grow with no bounds. This I am thankful and grateful for because it IS the reasons I am still breathing today. The bad is wanting and choosing to walk this path alone. I am selfish in my grief and do not want to take the time nor give the patience to open up and let a companion in.  I have enough room for my baggage and my baggage only.  The ugly is ugly. While I find pockets of joy around me, I want the hurt to end. I want to close my eyes and when they open, I want to be in heaven with my Father and Courtney Michelle. I want to know what it is I had to accomplish in these 3,650 plus days before I could be at peace and eternally joyful.  What is/was my purpose? I am in a constant state of asking this very question because I am so far from what I thought my life would look like.

I don’t know why I started keeping track of the days since my loss.  I am glad I did because as I continue to make the tick marks after each passing day it shows me how far I have come by taking each day one step at a time. Marking the time also shows me how much closer I am to the finish line to be able to hug my little girl so tightly that she will whisper “I can’t breathe because you are hugging me so tight.” In which I will whisper back “Just give me one more moment to hold you. Just one more.”

3,650 days and counting…..