Two thousand, five hundred, and one. This is how many days I have been without my Courtney Michelle. I tried to remember why I started keeping count and I’m not entirely sure why. It could be to mark the number of days I’m still standing (somewhat) or ticking the days because it makes me one step closer to being with her. I don’t know why I do it but I do know, it has been two thousand, five hundred, and one days that I have longed to have just one more day with her.
Had you asked me 2,502 days ago where I saw myself down the road, I could not have come close to where I am now. In these days since I’ve lost her, I have self-published a book, built furniture, let others into my inner circle, and become the owner of a small business. All of this I have done because I lost her, and all of this to honor her.
This journey has not been easy has been hard. I used to think of myself as a strong person but there have been so many times I’ve been brought to my knees with pain. There have been days when someone would tell me how strong I was and all I wanted to do was to scream at them because they couldn’t see the chaos and turmoil of my life. Countless times I pushed people away by showing them my game face and telling them I was okay. I wish, just one person, would have pushed back to make me drop the mask and talk, and I mean really talk about what I was feeling. If you ask what I would have done different at the beginning of my grief journey I would say I would have cried more. I would have let myself feel and not try to be/appear strong.
My Dawnie always tells me to be gentle to myself. I always tell a newly bereaved person to be kind, gentle and not judge themselves, and yet I never seem able to accept this for me. But today will be different, today, I am going to be gentle to myself. I am not having a pity party but rather I am giving myself permission to be sad. I am not going to stifle it, not put it in box, but I’m going to let it sit right here next me.
I miss my Courtney Michelle. I could give you a long list of individual things that make me miss her, but it just boils down to – I really miss her. Two thousand, five hundred, and one, and counting…
Billy Holiday – Good morning heartache, sit down.
Journey In Grief 