I recently saw a posting of a park bench with one person sitting on it. The caption read “if you could talk to your loved one for an hour what would you say?” It took me a moment to think because what I had to say would not fill an hour. I would say two things “I miss you. I love you to infinity and beyond” and for the next 59 minutes and 40 seconds I would simply wrap my arms around Courtney Michelle and hold her tight.
This thought lead me to the game of ‘Dinner Party’. You list four to five people to whom you would invite to your dinner party. The person could be from the past, present or future. Who would you invite?
My dinner party guests would all be from the past. One of my invitees would be my Grandmother Laverne, my mother’s mother. She and I never met because she passed away before I was born. I would want to know who this woman Laverne was. What was her childhood like? Her teen years? What were the most pivotal moments in her life? What was it like to take on motherhood in the 40s? Again, who is the woman Laverne that shaped her daughter who in turn shaped who I am as a woman?
The next guest would be Julius Caesar. There is so much we have read about him but I want to get to know him as a person. What is it that drove him to conquer? Why did he feel the need to envelope the world under Roman rule? In hindsight what would he have done differently? Did he see the betrayal coming from Senate? Who was this man that shaped his present time and that which would have lingering effects for centuries to come?
Another one of my guest would my Nana, Mercedes Alexander. I have so many wonderful memories of Nana. I know some of the stories from her childhood. I know some of her struggles to raise a family. What I don’t know is – who is the woman? What moments in life shaped her? What is the greatest joy each of her children gave to her. How did she view the world as it was? What was on her bucket list? If she had the opportunity to fulfill one thing right now from the list what would it be? I would ask her to please put in writing to end the eternal questions from my cousin and let them know that I am truly her favorite grandchild.
I would ask one of our founding fathers to be at the dinner. I want to know what was the thought was on democracy and what it would look like for future generations. In showing them the interpretation of some the Amendments would they go back and rewrite them with greater detail or was it the intent to let it unfold as the country progressed? What would they think of the country now, is it better or worse than they thought it would be? What was their feeling on the day of signing the Declaration?
My last guest would be none other Jesus. For Him I would have but two questions and they are totally selfish questions. One the questions would not be the expected one of “why is Courtney Michelle gone?” I know she is with Him so she is more than okay. I would ask Him what is it that He has planned for me because I am lost and ready to come home. And then I would ask Him if I can come home, now.
As you can see from the list the one person I did not invite was Courtney Michelle. In the short time I had her we talked about so many things. Economics, psychology, law, dogs, who was hot and who was not, clothes, government, music, family, friends, fears, triumphs and so much more. In the time since the world has lost her I have learned so much more about her. I’ve had the opportunity to view her through the eyes of others. It is amazing not just to see my baby but to see the woman the world saw.
These would be the invitees to my dinner party. Not sure what I would serve but I would ask a million and one questions. The most important question would be “May I come home now?”
In the lyrics from Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet home Alabama, Where the skies are so blue, Sweet home Alabama, Lord, I’m coming home to you
Journey In Grief 