Did you know – the walls of Jericho were as high as 46 feet tall from sea level and as thick as 7 feet? Think about that, the wall was 4 stories tall (an elevator would be good) and the thickness would be equivalent to two 8 year olds laying head to toe. Now, I know you are probably asking yourself and what in the heck does this have to do with grief? Glad you asked. In my mind’s eye this was the size of the wall I had built to protect myself against pain.
I believed my wall to be impenetrable. Every now and then there would be cracks and deep fissures to make you think the wall was about to fall but through it all, the foundation held. The foundation of wall was built to allow me show the world that nothing was going to hold me down. Now I wonder if that foundation has hindered my recovery from the darkness I feel.
After losing Courtney Michelle, I felt nothing could touch me or wound me in the way her absence from my life has made me feel. I assumed I held the idol of immunity. We all know assumptions give us the opportunity to realize how not smart we are although at the time it sounds logical.
This year I have watched my friends and cousin suffer with the loss of parent. One of the greater gifts I was given was having the opportunity to say good bye to My Dawnie’s father. I was able to let him know what he meant to me and to have closure. Closure, what a beautiful thing. The loss of my Uncle David hit home. I have so many fond memories of him from my childhood. The situation sucked why we were altogether but it was really good seeing my family. I had not realized how much I isolated myself from them. Jennifer lost her mother last month and this is the loss that sent me into panic mode. She and her mother have such a great relationship and all I could do was think about me and my mother. What am I going to do when I lose her? What am I going to do when I am the lone branch from the family tree?
Their losses made me look behind the wall. I had to look because I couldn’t fit anything else back there. It made me realize I am suppressing my grief by throwing it behind the wall. I was made to really look at this grief thing. I’ve not really allowed myself to cry or talk about how I really feel. To the outside world and heck even to friends I want everything to appear to be fine. I did such a great job at it acting for them I began to believe my own hype.
How do I begin to chip away at this foundation that I spent 46 years building? How do I start the process of building a new foundation? A foundation built on truth not lies or illusions. How do I allow myself to be open and not feel weak or vulnerable in my eyes? In other words, how do I become unstuck? I just don’t know.
Walls are built to keep things in or out. If the foundation is weak the wall will never stand. My walls are failing because my foundation has been weakened by really looking at it. I’m at a crossroad and quite frankly, I’m scared. If I shore up the present foundation I can continue to lie to myself and the world or let the foundation crumble to expose me to the world. Sad to say I am comfortable with living a lie. Exposing myself terrifies me.
In the chorus from John Mellencamp’s Crumblin’ Down – ‘when the walls come tumblin’ down, when the walls come crumblin’, crumbling, when walls come tumblin’, tumblin’ down.
I miss you My Puppy, oh how I miss you.
Journey In Grief 