The before Aundrea, the chick with all the amazing super abilities could look at vulnerable and weakness wrap them in a tight ball and laugh at them. The amazing Badass Aundrea had the ability to take a plate of issues and problems and grow the plate so it wasn’t an insurmountable burden. As she vanquished each problem the plate became smaller and smaller until it was the size of teacup saucer. Even if there was no room on the plate she could build a wall to toss the problem behind and bring it out when she was ready to deal with it. Badass Aundrea didn’t need people. She could choose when and where she WANTED people. I never realized what a superhero Badass Aundrea was in dealing with emotions until April 18, 2012. That was the day the sun stopped giving its lifeblood of warmth and her world became cold and barren.
In the wake of the loss of Badass Aundrea (B.A.), Apocalyptic Aundrea scratched her way from the depths of the ashes. It would be a great telling to say a creature greater and stronger came from the wake of that day, something as magnificent as a phoenix rising from the ashes. Oh what a great telling that would be. Unfortunately Apocalyptic Aundrea was a shadow of who B.A was.
Apocalyptic Aundrea has no superpowers. She is capable of throwing things behind the wall but the emotions always plot and plan their jail escape when she is least able to deal with them. She has no power to expand her plate so additional issues can be heaped on. Her plate is the size of a teacup saucer and will not grow beyond that so any little issue/problem feels like a platter being dumped onto this tiny space. Issues that would have been brushed off the shoulder by B.A. seem to take root and reside within Apocalyptic Aundrea (A.A.). Things that mattered to B.A. are just a footnote or a glancing thought with A.A.
How does one go from being a superhero to a mere mortal? How does one go from feeling strong and independent to feeling weak and needy? Why does being vulnerable equal weakness in this new world? Why does NEEDING people make me nauseous and not strong? Why can’t people recognize B.A. has left the building and A.A. has been left behind feeling lost and wanting?
While I may not have superpowers I wish my circle had two powers. First, they would be able to see through the bullshit I dish out. I wish they could see through and call me out on the Academy Award winning performance I give on a daily basis. The second power would be for them to be mind readers and know when I need them. I know I should use my big girl words and tell them but there is too much of me hanging on to the memory of B.A. to let me do that.
Kirk Franklin released ‘Wanna be happy?’ and I do want to be happy. In this post-apocalyptic world I reside in where is happy? Where are you B.A.? I don’t like A.A. and I want you back.
I miss you My Puppy. Oh, how I miss you!!
Journey In Grief 