Time
The saying goes you can be sure of three things in life: death, taxes, and change. Whoever we are to give credit to this saying hit the nail on the head.
I used to think of my life as BC and AC. BC, before Courtney, was my coming of age time. Hanging out with friends, finding love and losing it, making big plans for the future, and finding out who I was as a person. AC, after Courtney, is when I became more responsible, didn’t just plan for the future but acted on it. The person I was becoming had to be a good role model for my daughter. I had to teach and show her to be strong, to be independent, and know she could always lean on me.
In the past four years I have begun to think of my life as WOC and AC. WC, with Courtney, was full of life. It was filled with adventure, and most of all there was an abundance of joy, laughter and love. Colors seemed a lot brighter and more crisp. Laughter was much louder and made frequent appearances. Love was so big that it reached to infinity and beyond. Don’t get me wrong, there were dark days during WC. Times that I struggled or she struggled but it didn’t matter because we had each other. I had to look out for her and she knew I was but hug or a phone call away to support her.
Life WOC, without Courtney, has lost it’s flavor. Colors are washed out, happiness makes infrequent appearances, and laughter is much softer. My love for her still reaches to infinity and beyond. And what I wouldn’t give to hug her or to whisper words of encouragement to her. WOC is filled with I wish. I wish I could call her. I wish I could see her. I wish I could hug her. I wish I could kiss her. I wish I could laugh with her. I wish I could…….
Change in life is inevitable. There are some changes that make us stronger, changes that divert us from a chosen path, and sometimes changes shake the very foundation of who were are. Changes can make us look at the world in a different light and want to be seen by the world in a better light. Change in life is inevitable. I am not going to give you a feel good line of change is all in how we handle it. Because sometimes, not matter how strong you are, change can tear you down and swallow you whole.
To the saying of death, taxes, and change I will add another – breathing. Right now, that is all I can do is take one breath at a time. So change, just give me a moment to breathe before you throw something at me again.
In the song by David Bowie – Ch ch ch changes……
I miss you MY Puppy! Oh how I miss you!
Journey In Grief 