Today at church the pastor spoke about the difference between being happy and having joy. The definition he gave of happiness is it is something that is fleeting whereas joy is a constant. Happiness is payment whereas joy is the dividend.
I feel that the joy in my life was extinguished on April 18, 2012. It was the day I lost my Courtney Michelle. She truly was not just happiness to me but she was the joy in my life. Yes, there were times she knew how to push my buttons and she knew how to drive her mother crazy but it was the opposite side of the coin that brought me the joy. Courtney Michelle was the type of child who would root for the underdog; she would not only root for the underdog but she would stand in front of the underdog to take what ever was thrown their way. She genuinely cared for others.
She was spoiled there is no doubt about it but she was not a brat. The difference between the two is she was appreciative of the things that were given to her and did not take them for granted. I can still plainly see the look on her face the year that I surprised her with her first iPod. It was also same face I saw when she was laying in the bed and reading a book with me. The same child who enjoyed going to a Red Sox game was the same child who enjoyed sitting on the couch with me rooting for her beloved Patriots. And this is why she gave me so much joy.
These days I don’t even know if I am capable of feeling happiness. I have moments when I can look forward to things, moments when I can just simply be, and there are moments I can laugh and truly mean it. These snippets in time are semi-happy for me but it’s fleeting and I don’t have that constant feeling of joy.
I want to believe my faith in God is where I’m going to find my joy. There are some days it is easier than others to hold on to the knowledge that He is there for me. He is my rock. I pray for the strength that I can continue on the path to look to Him for my joy. I was once happy, content, and had joy in my life. I want joy back in my life. I want to wake up in the morning and not dread that I have to get through another day. So all that I know to do is to pray. I am going to have to learn to listen to the words of Carrie Underwood ‘Let Jesus Take the Wheel’. I can’t continue to live in this dark joyless world without you Courtney Michelle.
I miss you My Puppy. Oh how I miss you!!!
Journey In Grief 