Journey In Grief

The dog, the horse, and the elephant.

Sounds like the start of a good joke – a dog, horse, and elephant walk into a bar. These three are the bane of my existence because they are how I describe the level of depression I am experiencing.

When depression takes a hold of me I say I’ve fell into the rabbit hole with Alice. There are a variety of situations that have put me in the hole or sometimes it feels like no specific reason but yet, there I am. The time and energy it takes to climb out of the hole depends on which one of the three has fallen with me.

The dog. At this point I should probably give him a name because he is the one that hangs out with me the most. The dog will sit on my chest making it hard for me to breath and hard for me to think like a sane person. When the dog is with me it is like I am trying to move through pea soup. As if suddenly the whole world has had a fog roll in and everything is hazy. It is at this time when I start to retreat into myself to not have to deal with the outside world. I will read, at least attempt it, or have the TV watch me. Yes, I said that correctly. I try to have as little interaction with my phone because it takes a lot of effort just to breathe through the weight of the dog on my chest. When he decides to takes breaks sometimes it takes me a little while to realize he is gone because it feels I have been dealing with weight for so long. Although sometimes when he takes a break his spot is being held by the horse.

The horse. There are times when the weight of the dog doesn’t hinder me from doing things because I know the weight, it is a part of me. And yet when the horse takes the time to get comfortable on my chest the world is no longer hazy – it is a twilight kind of darkness.  I am still able to function in my professional life but my personal life is in shambles. The horse makes it hard for me to leave the house. I don’t have to worry if there is enough food in the house since who can eat at a time like this. Things as simple as a shower or washing my hair suddenly feel like I’ve been asked to climb Mt. Everest in flip flops. And exercise? Isn’t rolling over from my side to my stomach exercise enough? When the horse comes it is amazing how the bed becomes my world. Unless a bio break is needed there is nothing but the bed.

After I lost my Courtney Michelle I prided myself on being able to get out of the bed everyday and ready myself for the day. Even if I had no plans the simple act of getting out of the bed was my gold medal. I wouldn’t be one of those people who pined away in the bed all day. I wish I could still have the ignorance of those early days, to have the goal of getting out of the bed. When the horse comes my only thought is, I know it is supposed to be automatic but, I have to remind myself how to breathe. In. Out. In. Out.

During this journey of grief I have only twice experienced the elephant moving the dog and the horse out of the way so he could have a turn. The elephant is total darkness. There is nothing but pure pain when he takes a seat. I do forget to breath. I don’t know what day it is or what time it is. All that exists is the pressure on my chest and wanting nothing, nothing except for the pain to go away. If I’m not here there is no way I can feel pain like this. There is no light that can penetrate this darkness. I am stuck in my head and I can’t get out. I have cried out, pleaded, made deals and begged Jesus to bring me home. It hurts so much! How can any person experience this and still come out on the other side okay? How? Maybe if I sleep I can get away from this. Nope – Sleep has left the building. Please! Someone! It hurts so much!

There they are – the dog, the horse, and the elephant. I know I will never be able to banish you and sadly you are a part of me. I just pray I am strong enough to ride the wave until the day He is ready to bring me home.

In the words of Christina Aquilera – Enter The Circus.

I miss you My Puppy. Oh how I miss you!