Last night I had friends over for dinner. They came to support me because I had a rough day and I couldn’t seem to get out of my own way. I had a lot bottled up inside of me and I love that they were there not only to listen to me but to hear me as well.
One comment I said to them became the catalyst for a long and I’m sure in their eyes an unfruitful conversation. I made the comment how I will be on this earth for the next six years. They looked in alarm but I explained that my need and my want to commit suicide has been put on the back burner and when the six years are done it won’t be by my hand. I explained that some people can make things happen just simply be willing them into existence and that is what I was doing – willing into existence my expiration date.
I know they are biased and they want me around for a long time. I also know they try but can’t understand the depth of my loss. And not just that I’ve lost Courtney Michelle but that I’ve also lost who I am. I’ve lost my way.
They try to understand I am just simply going through the motions of each day. As I said to them when I first wake up in the morning there is a part of me that is truly disappointed that I have to go through another day. By having an expiration date it is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can manage to get to that point. I can’t imagine trying to do this every day for the next 20 or 30 years.
They believe I wouldn’t feel this way if I could care to get involved in something or if I wouldn’t shut down when things get really tough for me. That maybe God has a plan for me but because I’m blocking it I won’t see what it is. I agree with them. I don’t care. I don’t want to be “better”. I just want this to be over!
As of today I am 49 years old. I feel that my years have been rich. I had a good childhood, my mother is my greatest supporter, I’ve loved, I have accepted Christ in my life and know He can do amazing things, I have friends that are my family, I gave birth to an incredible child who was turning into a productive member of society, I have success in my job and I have traveled. I feel like if I were croak while writing this that my life has had meaning and my mark has been left on the world. For me – this is enough. Why does it have to be that I have more to do? Maybe I’ve already done what was meant for me to do/
I can only hope that it is His plan to bring me home soon. I can’t see past this pain so I don’t know what it is that I can offer this world. What do you do when you don’t have a future and you could care less about having one.
The only thing I can do is bide my time and hope the end is near. I don’t want to spend more time hurting the way that I am and missing My Puppy the way that I do. So until that day comes every new day I say “Good Morning Heartache” by Gladys Knight.
I miss you My Puppy! Oh, how I miss you!
Journey In Grief 