Journey In Grief

I have had a thought process going for about a month and I will eventually write about it. Right now what is overwhelming me is my ache for Christmas.

I miss the all activities surrounding Christmas. I miss picking out the perfect Christmas tree and knowing on the way into the house there was going to be a huge argument on who was walking too fast or holding the tree too high or too low. I miss talking about the menu for our annual Christmas party. I miss getting the list for the women’s shelter and happily shopping for a mother in need. I miss the look on her face wrapping the gifts for these women and children because she knew she was putting a smile on someone’s face come Christmas morning.

I miss being on the hunt for the piece de la resistance gift for her. The one gift where I knew I would hit it out of the park. I miss watching her watch me as she presented her gift. It was funny how there was both pride in her smile but also relief. What made her think I wouldn’t love what she was giving me?

I miss decorating the house. Each year the items took their sentry over the mantle or tabletops and we would have fun shopping for more items to add. Every year the color theme of the tree changed so we would always be on the hunt for coordinating ornaments and ribbon. Without meaning to we would laugh at the tradition started of ‘how many ornaments will Mom break this year?’. I loved when she was old enough to share in the glass of wine with me while we decorated – still don’t understand how she never broke anything – guess she didn’t take after your Mom with that.

I miss singing Christmas music. Every year I had to be sure to make her eyes roll at least one when I would start signing Blue Christmas off key. She knew it was coming yet she played her role every time like it was her first performance.

I miss her wanting to make cookies for Santa every year, even though we both knew at her ripe old age of 24 there was not a Santa. I had to be sure to have at least one gift under the tree from Santa and even though I would roll my eyes and shake my head I played my role because she held on to that piece of Christmas magic.

I ache for Christmas and I ache for my Courtney Michelle. I miss Christmas and I miss you.

In the words of Mariah Carey – All I Want for Christmas is You!

I love you and I miss you My Puppy!