My life before losing Courtney Michelle was a breeze. I felt as if I were on top of the world, unstoppable. I know I was blessed because I had success at work, as a single parent I purchased a home for me and my daughter, able to afford one year of tuition for my daughter’s education, saw her go off to college and succeed, and in the position to give back to other single mothers and my community.
There was no challenge that could be put in front of me that I could not handle. If I could not handle the challenge at that time I could neatly stow it behind the wall until I could deal with it. In the words of Katy Perry “I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire. Cause I’m a champion and you’re going to hear me roar”. My life was a roar!
Now, after losing her I am adrift. This is not a challenge I can overcome. This is a puzzle that will never be solved so I can stow it away and move on the next trial that life has for me. I’ve overcome the loss of a grandparent, uncle, father figure, and best friend. The loss of my marriage and friendships can be added to the list. There have been times when I felt chaos ruled in my work life but through all of that I was able to come out on the other side. I was able to hold my head up and continue to plow my way through life. Every obstacle in life should prepare you and make you stronger for the next yet, all of my previous challenges put together have not prepared me for the emptiness, the loneliness, and the heartbreak I feel now.
They say that time heals all wounds. What they don’t say is that sometimes those wounds leave behind big scars. I no longer feel the physical heart-ache everyday because I think I’ve grown accustomed to the hole in my heart. The constant headache is no longer there because it has melted into the background of a foggy brain. The pain in my jaw from gritting my teeth is welcome because it keeps me from crying all day. I miss when I thought my life was a breeze.
My life was a roar and now it is but a whimper.
I miss you My Puppy! Oh how I miss you.
Journey In Grief 