I’ve heard it said there are three things in life you can count on – taxes, death, and change. Taxes? What are you going to do? Just pay them and try to get back as much of the money as possible at tax time. Death? I definitely have a different view on death. Instead of staving it off I’m wondering when my number is coming up. And change? We have never and will never be friends.
Life, for me, should be in neat little boxes and there is no coloring outside of the lines. I like things to be just so. In my professional life I can roll with the punches. You have never seen someone with a better game face when changes are announced at work. I do the Barbie smile and get on the bandwagon. What you won’t see is the little three year old inside of me having a tantrum tantamount to a tornado, thrown cow and everything!
In my personal life I don’t throw tantrums but I do dig my heels in. I am as unmovable as a statue until the moment comes that I have either come to terms with the change or simply made up my mind not to accept it. Does my resistance to change go hand in hand with my need to control my world. Absolutely!!! And it is for this reason I know it has been so hard for me to feel like I’ve taken a step forward since my loss of Courtney Michelle.
Imagine that your neat little world was turned upside down and shaken like a snow globe. Eventually the snow settles and things appear to be the same but life has not been that way for me. I haven’t been able to pick up the pieces and move on. I haven’t been able to get up, wipe off the seat of my pants and say let’s try again. I am tired of trying to fake it until I make it. And if one more person talks about the new normal to me I am not liable for my actions.
I am going to sit, wallow and roll around in the valley of despair and not sure if I even want a ticket back. It’s not that I don’t think I should happy or that I feel guilty that I am here and she is not. I’ve worked hard for the successes I’ve had in life. I won’t take full credit because I know I was blessed and He put many opportunities in front of me. I was able to provide home for my child, vacations around the world, success at work, and most of all my child became a productive member of society. The majority of my bucket list revolved around seeing the person she would become. With my loss my future has been wiped and static is all I hear and see.
My world has changed. I cannot control it. My heels are dug in and I’m not moving. Michael Jackson’s “The Man In The Mirror” is not my song. I can’t or won’t be the one to make a change. I am tired of being on this anchor-less boat. My heart and spirit are broken but I will continue to paint on my happy smile for the world. At least that’s one thing I know I can control.
I miss you My Puppy! Oh, how I miss you!
Journey In Grief 